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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

“Don’t Tase Me, Flo!” Why All Women Should Have a Taser Party
  General piece by Doug Giles

For generations women have been the victims of ham-fisted groping dipsticks and/or felonious opportunists who see in our fairer sex an easy target. However, those days are a changin’, and being the father of two chicas, I’m one happy over-protective, I’ll-kill-you-if-you-hurt-them-and-not-bat-an-eye dad.

It seems as if the girls are waking up to the fact that:

1. Their protective dad, brother, husband and male buddies aren’t omnipresent.
2. They can’t count on some metrosexual puss-n-boots Nancy boy to break a fingernail if need be to assist them.
3. Therefore, they have to be able to personally kick maximum butt if the situation arises.

Yep, in the last couple of decades we’ve seen a spike in ladies taking martial arts, buying guns, sending bullets down range, getting concealed weapon permits, and purchasing other idiot immobilizing devices as they send a solid message to the solid waste amongst us: “If you climb in my face, I will drown you in mace, shatter your knees, or double tap your center mass.”

Hey fathers, husbands, brothers and male friends who care: Are you cool with the girls in your life being defenseless? I’m not. I can’t imagine anything with my name on it and within my circle of influence being the victim of some pathetic, vile beast’s stupid fantasy. That would slay me.

So, being the decent husband and dad that I am, my goal for my girls has been to equip them to be armed and dangerous. And armed and dangerous they are. They scare me. Italian and lethal. Yikes. Mission accomplished. So much so that I’d think twice, twit, before you attempt a carjack, cop a feel, or physically threaten them in any way, as it will be the last stupid thing you ever do.

Being born and raised in Texas and reared by proper parents, my weapon of choice has always been the gun, in all calibers, gauges, actions and styles. I love them all. My particular penchant is for the old British bolt actions, double rifles and single shot Farquharsons (I’m starting to get all emotional even as I type). As you can imagine I have a stack of them, and my ladies know how to wield them all. We get high on cordite.

I understand, however, that guns freak some folks out, and for whatever reason they don’t want them around. That doesn’t mean that you have to be helpless. There are all kinds of yummy things you can use to put an imbecile out of action. Take the taser, for instance.

As of late the taser is coming on strong. They’re concealable, powerful and effective to the extent that their application to an offender usually ends the ordeal. Yes, most wussies can be beat back by the simple administration of the taser terminals to their squishy man breasts. In addition to being effective, it’s fun to watch the guy vibrate on the ground like Curly when he didn’t have any cheese.

One lady, Dana Leigh Shafman of http://www.shieldher.com , has made it her life’s mission to make certain that women everywhere morph from being helpless little damsels in distress to being high-voltage honeys who’ll zap your backside with a Taser C2 if you screw with them. To help accomplish this noble task, Dana has created not only her online company but also Taser Parties, through which her staff trains future Charlie’s Angels on how to bug zap losers. You gotta love it. No Tupperware or toenails. Tasers and only tasers. Finally, a ladies’ meeting that I would like to attend!

Ladies, make 2008 the year you cease to be a helpless victim. Whether you’re in your car, classroom, store, your own house or in church, you must get packed, stacked and ready to whack because the fools today are bold and multitudinous. Yes you, girlfriend, must help society send a message to these evolutionary holdovers that we will rock them with a club, a kick, a gun (my favorite) or a taser for attempting to do us harm.

It’s time that girls stop relying on anyone else to defend them but themselves. Therefore, my darlings, start martial arts, go to a gun class, or if you don’t like blood and stuff, log onto http://www.shieldher.com , buy a taser, and have Dana and her girls host a Taser Party in your town to help Ms. Shafman spread the word to criminal turds that their day is done. 

Posted by Doug Giles on 1/8/08 at 07:08 AM
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UPSSA United Progressive Socialist States of America

UPSSA United Progressive Socialist States of America